"I want a new drug"

Does any one remember that Huey Lewis song? My ex husband is a drug addict, without a doubt. His load of prescription drugs would knock down a small elephant, and still he looks for more. But, when you have taken all the drugs available, and you cannot get any more, what else is there?

One of the hardest things about my divorce was the fact that my husband, for whom I would have done anything, cheated. The betrayal was so unexpected, and so deep, that I still have the scars after three years. I couldn't understand how he could have done it, or how he thought this whole thing would end without being as ugly and sordid as it is and will be. What could make it worth while to throw away sixteen years? How about a new drug?

Now, the narcissistic supply is considered a drug "fix" by psychologists and psychiatrists, but there are other behaviors that give the same kind of fix. The following is an excerpt from an article written by Atlanta psychiatrist and marriage counselor Frank Pittman. His explanation of the phenomenon of infidelity makes perfect sense when looking at the behavior of an addict.


"We have to understand what divorce is about. Despite all the research about marriages failing if couples complain, criticize, stonewall or show contempt, I don’t know any couples who don’t do such things some (or most) of the time. But I have rarely seen an established first marriage end in divorce without someone being unfaithful. (Our researchers fail to ask about infidelity, since they tell me it is so nearly universal, it couldn’t possibly be relevant.) Affairs occur in good marriages and bad, and wreck either.

Helen Fisher, in ANATOMY OF LOVE, gives a fascinating neurochemical explanation of how infidelity causes divorce: infidelity is exciting, causing an excessive production (in men and women) of testosterone and amphetamine like neurotransmitters, at the expense of comfort seeking and nesting hormones like oxytocin or happiness and contentment producing hormones like serotonin. People in affairs are nuts, dependent, desperate, miserable and paranoid, unable to relax around their familiar mates. They are not necessarily unhappy with their marriage before the affair, but they are afterwards. Adulterers can’t reestablish intimacy as long as they harbor a secret or fear their partner’s anger and rage. (See the recent movie UNFAITHFUL for a picture of what a thoughtless, motiveless affair can do to a serene and cozy marriage.)

The skills, including fidelity and honesty, that make marriage work are easily teachable, just as the skills that make sex work are easily teachable. But no one will bother if therapists are busy being neutral and the media are touting the joys of divorce

To me, looking up from my caseload of the betrayers and betrayed, the divorced and divorcing,the children of divorce and the survivors of the last generation of divorces, this is a societal emergency. Normalizing divorce, even further than it has already been normalized, is a cruel joke."

Response to "The Death of 'Till Death Us Do Part': "Marriage in the 20th Century"
Frank S. Pittman, III, M.D. July, 2002

Dr. Pittman makes a point of stating that infidelity and divorce are NOT normal behavior, but are the results of an overly permissive culture. Cheaters are never responsible for their unacceptable behavior; they were "forced" to cheat because someone else failed to "make" them happy. Divorce is the easy out as" the treatment of choice for mild depression ("I’m just not happy,") for unpleasantness ("I felt verbally abused") and for sexual attractions to passing strangers or casual friends ("I must not be in love with my mate( Dr. Pittman)."

No marriage is perfect; the relationship requires work from both partners to work. When one of those partners gives his (or her, but usually the man)attention to someone outside the relationship, he is robbing the relationship itself of a chance to be successful- that's why its called cheating.

The neurochemical response of the cheater to the spouse makes perfect sense as well. The cheater is in a state of dis-ease. He/she feels like crap because, after all, the innocent spouse has been subjected to unwarranted indignity and injustice. It is interesting to note that the cheating itself changes the cheater's feelings about the marriage. The cheater has no reason to feel good about the marriage after such behavior. Check out cognitive dissonance theory. Justification eases the conscience (if there is one) making it okay to chose the fix.

Dr. Pittman also writes elsewhere (and I'm paraphrasing here) that when the cheater decides that the lover is the person meant for him, not the spouse, it really is a only justification for doing wrong. Ultimately, that lover is not a really great match because really great people don't have sex with people to whom the are not married. When people who cheat divorce and marry the lover, less than five percent are married two years later

Just like with all the other drugs, the addict becomes habituated to the fix. He develops a tolerance and the fix just doesn't give that great rush anymore. Why should he? The excitement was in the risky behavior. When the thrill is gone-chemically speaking,that is, what will narcissist/addict do?

"I want a new drug......"