It's not easy to live with an addict. There are addicts in all walks of life. Not all of them are in the street. I was once with a heroin addict. I saw what the drugs did to him, what happened when he ran out. The sweating, sniveling, edginess, gastric problems. The shaking, screaming, vomiting. None of it pretty.
Having a drug legally prescribed does not mean you are not addicted. In fact, it's a great excuse. My ex is an addict. He has persuaded his family and his new wife that it's "between him and his doctor". This is an argument often used by those addicted to prescription drugs. However, they are still addicts. The reaction when they run out is the same. And they always run out.
I used to have sympathy when he ran out of his prescription drugs. I believed at one time that the opiates he took were for a legitimate problem, and that at some time in the future he would be able to do without. He took whatever he could find, precribed or on the street. His level of addiction to oxycontin was equivalent to 5 or 6 bags of heroin a day. The behavior was no different.
There were consequences. Often there were fights. When my ex bought street drugs, he cut deep into our money to live on, the capital for our business, the money we could have used to enjoy each other and grow closer. but none of that mattered if he didn't have what he wanted... and of course now needed.
Our budget, our business, our quality of life suffered. The drugs always came first. I started to lose sympathy. I wouldn't cover his butt when he missed jobs. I wouldn't say he wasn't home when he was getting high in the other room. I wouldn't lie for him.
He screamed at me. He stole from me. He turned to an old girlfriend who had more sympathy. Isn't that always the way? It was my fault for being such a bitch, and after all, he didn't have a problem because at least part of the drugs were legal.
One day he was so out of it, he left a letter from his girlfriend on my desk. Or maybe he did it on purpose to torment me. She wrote "dear Superman". Superman? She didn't know about the kryptonite. I'm sure she does now. Good luck with that.
It has been over two years since he walked out of our home for the last time, taking his drugs with him. I now have over two years clean.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Eviction
Eviction is a devastating thing. It is devastating if you can't pay for your home. It is even more devastating if you are paying for your home, and the court strips you of your rights for no good reason.
The court ordered my ex to make mortgage and utility payments in lieu of support pending the outcome of the divorce and settlement. The ex refused to obey the order, and devised what was proposed to the court as a "scheme"(no, really that's the word they used in the transcript) to pay the bills. The judge was convinced that all our bills would be paid by selling our home. No evidence was ever offered that this was actually the case. However, while we argued about it he refused to make the payments, and the house began to go into foreclosure.
The court told me I could refinance the home myself, but this was a real catch 22. I was given 30 days. The home was already in foreclosure. The loan could be assumed, but only if the payments were current. I did not have an attorney. I filed numerous documents to the court proving there was going to be very little equity from the sale of the home, especially after the real estate agent got his bite.
I finally made a forbearance arrangement with Citi mortgage. If anyone out there has financial problems I would strongly encourage you to talk to them on a daily basis and give them whatever you can pay. They are extremely motivated to help, especially in situations like this.
You might think this would solve the home issue as far as the court was concerned, since the ex did not have to pay the mortgage. I had also acquired an attorney who was trying to negotiate a settlement in good faith.`However, by the time I had my payment plan, the ex also had a court order to evict me! The court turned a deaf ear to all my arguments, having chosen to go with the sale even though there would be no profit. The ex had already gone to the state troopers and set an eviction date without giving notice.
On August 5, 2008 I was called from the shower in my home by troopers who forced me to leave my home, still wet from the shower. The ex actually stood in the driveway and told me he asked his attorney not to do this to me. I found out later he wrote the check for the eviction the same day he got the order.
I took my two dogs and two cats and whatever else I could fit in my car, and drove away from my home. I had no support, and no where to go.
The court ordered my ex to make mortgage and utility payments in lieu of support pending the outcome of the divorce and settlement. The ex refused to obey the order, and devised what was proposed to the court as a "scheme"(no, really that's the word they used in the transcript) to pay the bills. The judge was convinced that all our bills would be paid by selling our home. No evidence was ever offered that this was actually the case. However, while we argued about it he refused to make the payments, and the house began to go into foreclosure.
The court told me I could refinance the home myself, but this was a real catch 22. I was given 30 days. The home was already in foreclosure. The loan could be assumed, but only if the payments were current. I did not have an attorney. I filed numerous documents to the court proving there was going to be very little equity from the sale of the home, especially after the real estate agent got his bite.
I finally made a forbearance arrangement with Citi mortgage. If anyone out there has financial problems I would strongly encourage you to talk to them on a daily basis and give them whatever you can pay. They are extremely motivated to help, especially in situations like this.
You might think this would solve the home issue as far as the court was concerned, since the ex did not have to pay the mortgage. I had also acquired an attorney who was trying to negotiate a settlement in good faith.`However, by the time I had my payment plan, the ex also had a court order to evict me! The court turned a deaf ear to all my arguments, having chosen to go with the sale even though there would be no profit. The ex had already gone to the state troopers and set an eviction date without giving notice.
On August 5, 2008 I was called from the shower in my home by troopers who forced me to leave my home, still wet from the shower. The ex actually stood in the driveway and told me he asked his attorney not to do this to me. I found out later he wrote the check for the eviction the same day he got the order.
I took my two dogs and two cats and whatever else I could fit in my car, and drove away from my home. I had no support, and no where to go.
Friday, December 25, 2009
It's All About Him
Lisa Scott has written an amazing book about relationships with narcissists
Granted, there are female narcissists, but the majority are men, whose sense of entitlement and greed leaves a path of destruction when their partners' resources have been exhausted.
Having been in such a relationship herself, Lisa understands the quandry faced by women inn this type of relationship. Check it out. You may find the answer to questions you have asked yourself about why your significant other is unable to empathize with you, lies with a straight face, and denies things have happened that you yourself have witnessed. You may be dealing with a narcissist-and a complete jerk.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
North to Alaska
I lived most of my life in California. Maybe you wonder, how the heck did I ever get to Alaska?
I had a previous marriage to a pretty garden variety alcoholic, and another to a drug addict. While these relationships were hard, what the men were was pretty up front. I was certainly co dependent and there was abuse, but not the deceit that I experienced in the relationship resulting in this divorce.
In the course of the relationship with the addict (and a short time before) was using cocaine. My SO was an addict. I was arrested and ultimately went to jail. I had one daughter with him, and another born after I got out of jail and got clean.
In 1991 I was in recovery and working in my profession as a registered nurse. I was in the process of breaking up with the dad of my two young girls. We had been apart for several months and the break was done.I did not feel I would ever stay clean with him. He never had a real job and was no use in caring for the girls. He had left the older girl with his parents while I was in jail, and I was in a legal fight to get her back.
When I meet his friend the EX he seemed so different . He was a bit younger than me but seemed so responsible, as he had a good job. He used drugs, but seemingly in control, only on weekends. I had relapsed after losing a court case for return of my older girl, and we started using together. He took me out nice places, we went to concerts; we went walking and he would buy me cute things , and even red roses. He treated me so well, and I was more in love with him than I had ever been with anyone.I was 42, he was 29. His smile melted my heart. I would do anything for him.
One night we were stopped by the police and he went to jail for being under the influence. Looking back now, I see how he blamed this on me but at the time I was distraught and desperate to help him. He decided he would take a new job offer in Alaska because he was afraid to go to jail in California. When he moved I felt a part of myself missing like I had an arm cut off. I lost my job right before he left for Alaska. I talked to him all the time, and finally we agreed I would move to Alaska to be with him. In May 1992 I packed up my household consisting of some furniture and belongings in a trailer, my car, my youngest daughter and a cat, and drove the Alcan Highway for 9 days to make a new start with the love of my life
I had a previous marriage to a pretty garden variety alcoholic, and another to a drug addict. While these relationships were hard, what the men were was pretty up front. I was certainly co dependent and there was abuse, but not the deceit that I experienced in the relationship resulting in this divorce.
In the course of the relationship with the addict (and a short time before) was using cocaine. My SO was an addict. I was arrested and ultimately went to jail. I had one daughter with him, and another born after I got out of jail and got clean.
In 1991 I was in recovery and working in my profession as a registered nurse. I was in the process of breaking up with the dad of my two young girls. We had been apart for several months and the break was done.I did not feel I would ever stay clean with him. He never had a real job and was no use in caring for the girls. He had left the older girl with his parents while I was in jail, and I was in a legal fight to get her back.
When I meet his friend the EX he seemed so different . He was a bit younger than me but seemed so responsible, as he had a good job. He used drugs, but seemingly in control, only on weekends. I had relapsed after losing a court case for return of my older girl, and we started using together. He took me out nice places, we went to concerts; we went walking and he would buy me cute things , and even red roses. He treated me so well, and I was more in love with him than I had ever been with anyone.I was 42, he was 29. His smile melted my heart. I would do anything for him.
One night we were stopped by the police and he went to jail for being under the influence. Looking back now, I see how he blamed this on me but at the time I was distraught and desperate to help him. He decided he would take a new job offer in Alaska because he was afraid to go to jail in California. When he moved I felt a part of myself missing like I had an arm cut off. I lost my job right before he left for Alaska. I talked to him all the time, and finally we agreed I would move to Alaska to be with him. In May 1992 I packed up my household consisting of some furniture and belongings in a trailer, my car, my youngest daughter and a cat, and drove the Alcan Highway for 9 days to make a new start with the love of my life
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