Friday, December 25, 2009
It's All About Him
Lisa Scott has written an amazing book about relationships with narcissists
Granted, there are female narcissists, but the majority are men, whose sense of entitlement and greed leaves a path of destruction when their partners' resources have been exhausted.
Having been in such a relationship herself, Lisa understands the quandry faced by women inn this type of relationship. Check it out. You may find the answer to questions you have asked yourself about why your significant other is unable to empathize with you, lies with a straight face, and denies things have happened that you yourself have witnessed. You may be dealing with a narcissist-and a complete jerk.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
North to Alaska
I lived most of my life in California. Maybe you wonder, how the heck did I ever get to Alaska?
I had a previous marriage to a pretty garden variety alcoholic, and another to a drug addict. While these relationships were hard, what the men were was pretty up front. I was certainly co dependent and there was abuse, but not the deceit that I experienced in the relationship resulting in this divorce.
In the course of the relationship with the addict (and a short time before) was using cocaine. My SO was an addict. I was arrested and ultimately went to jail. I had one daughter with him, and another born after I got out of jail and got clean.
In 1991 I was in recovery and working in my profession as a registered nurse. I was in the process of breaking up with the dad of my two young girls. We had been apart for several months and the break was done.I did not feel I would ever stay clean with him. He never had a real job and was no use in caring for the girls. He had left the older girl with his parents while I was in jail, and I was in a legal fight to get her back.
When I meet his friend the EX he seemed so different . He was a bit younger than me but seemed so responsible, as he had a good job. He used drugs, but seemingly in control, only on weekends. I had relapsed after losing a court case for return of my older girl, and we started using together. He took me out nice places, we went to concerts; we went walking and he would buy me cute things , and even red roses. He treated me so well, and I was more in love with him than I had ever been with anyone.I was 42, he was 29. His smile melted my heart. I would do anything for him.
One night we were stopped by the police and he went to jail for being under the influence. Looking back now, I see how he blamed this on me but at the time I was distraught and desperate to help him. He decided he would take a new job offer in Alaska because he was afraid to go to jail in California. When he moved I felt a part of myself missing like I had an arm cut off. I lost my job right before he left for Alaska. I talked to him all the time, and finally we agreed I would move to Alaska to be with him. In May 1992 I packed up my household consisting of some furniture and belongings in a trailer, my car, my youngest daughter and a cat, and drove the Alcan Highway for 9 days to make a new start with the love of my life
I had a previous marriage to a pretty garden variety alcoholic, and another to a drug addict. While these relationships were hard, what the men were was pretty up front. I was certainly co dependent and there was abuse, but not the deceit that I experienced in the relationship resulting in this divorce.
In the course of the relationship with the addict (and a short time before) was using cocaine. My SO was an addict. I was arrested and ultimately went to jail. I had one daughter with him, and another born after I got out of jail and got clean.
In 1991 I was in recovery and working in my profession as a registered nurse. I was in the process of breaking up with the dad of my two young girls. We had been apart for several months and the break was done.I did not feel I would ever stay clean with him. He never had a real job and was no use in caring for the girls. He had left the older girl with his parents while I was in jail, and I was in a legal fight to get her back.
When I meet his friend the EX he seemed so different . He was a bit younger than me but seemed so responsible, as he had a good job. He used drugs, but seemingly in control, only on weekends. I had relapsed after losing a court case for return of my older girl, and we started using together. He took me out nice places, we went to concerts; we went walking and he would buy me cute things , and even red roses. He treated me so well, and I was more in love with him than I had ever been with anyone.I was 42, he was 29. His smile melted my heart. I would do anything for him.
One night we were stopped by the police and he went to jail for being under the influence. Looking back now, I see how he blamed this on me but at the time I was distraught and desperate to help him. He decided he would take a new job offer in Alaska because he was afraid to go to jail in California. When he moved I felt a part of myself missing like I had an arm cut off. I lost my job right before he left for Alaska. I talked to him all the time, and finally we agreed I would move to Alaska to be with him. In May 1992 I packed up my household consisting of some furniture and belongings in a trailer, my car, my youngest daughter and a cat, and drove the Alcan Highway for 9 days to make a new start with the love of my life
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Justice IS blind after all
So, I get my motion passed all by myself, and the Court orders the ex-husband to make mortgage payments while I reestablish myself in the business community. Salvation at last.
However, it soon becomes clear that this dog is all bark and no bite. The EX is now in contempt of Court for non payment of the mortgage. Nearly three months later, the EX files a motion to sell the house-and gets it.
When it is very heatedly (but politely) pointed out to the Court that this was payment in lieu of support, the judge says the money will be adjusted at the time of trial and I will get it in the end.
So now I'm really getting it in the end.
However, it soon becomes clear that this dog is all bark and no bite. The EX is now in contempt of Court for non payment of the mortgage. Nearly three months later, the EX files a motion to sell the house-and gets it.
When it is very heatedly (but politely) pointed out to the Court that this was payment in lieu of support, the judge says the money will be adjusted at the time of trial and I will get it in the end.
So now I'm really getting it in the end.
Justice is truth in action.
This quote is from Chief Justice Brandeis. Apparently Alaskan justice
is not acquainted with the principles of this learned gentleman.
My ex husband was able to go into court and tell any lie he chose to get a ruling his way. Of course for the first four months he had a professional liar (spelled lawyer).
Every motion they made was based on a falsehood. I would dutifully research the points and file my own motions, complete with documentation and footnotes to substantiate my arguments.
All the checks he bounced. All the trips to the ATM for drug money. All the unpaid bills.
Poor thing told the Judge he had no money. I was not entitled to proceeds of the business we build together for a dozen years.
Consistently my motions were denied. Then, light at the end of the tunnel. I WON an argument! My motion was granted. Hosanna, now he would make my mortgage payment while I struggled to get back on my feet. He had, after all, our accounts receivable worth over $100,000.00
Surely now justice would prevail. The Judge has seen the light -or has he?
is not acquainted with the principles of this learned gentleman.
My ex husband was able to go into court and tell any lie he chose to get a ruling his way. Of course for the first four months he had a professional liar (spelled lawyer).
Every motion they made was based on a falsehood. I would dutifully research the points and file my own motions, complete with documentation and footnotes to substantiate my arguments.
All the checks he bounced. All the trips to the ATM for drug money. All the unpaid bills.
Poor thing told the Judge he had no money. I was not entitled to proceeds of the business we build together for a dozen years.
Consistently my motions were denied. Then, light at the end of the tunnel. I WON an argument! My motion was granted. Hosanna, now he would make my mortgage payment while I struggled to get back on my feet. He had, after all, our accounts receivable worth over $100,000.00
Surely now justice would prevail. The Judge has seen the light -or has he?
Divorce in the Last Frontier
Sarah Palin talks so much about family values and work ethic, one might suppose that Alaskan culture might be supportive of women in need.
As a small business owner and abused wife I have spent the last two and a half years going through the maze that is the Alaska court system. My experience and that of other women I have met lead me to believe that this is a man's state when it comes to divorce.
My "law and order" judge is from Ms. Palin's stompin grounds, the Mat Su Valley. With 15 years as Palmer district attorney and a career in the Judge Advocate General's office, one might expect his Honor to enforce his own court orders and not further victimize the victim. This, however, has not proven to be the case.
A divorce was granted at the request of my husband who was cheating. He wanted to to walk away fast and easy without dealing with the "business" of getting the divorce. Although Alaska state law requires a property settlement to be part of a divorce, I never got any property settlement-or much of the property.
Alaska Statue states that a judge MAY NOT grant a divorce with a property settlement reserved for another time unless both parties agree, or it can be proved that the property will be protected. Unfortunately I was not afforded the protections required by state law and due to this violation of due process, lost almost all the property in the business I started with my ex. I nearly lost the house as well, but because I dug in my heels and fought, the home was returned to me... after I was evicted.
i can't tell you how many times seemingly intelligent folks have told me this cannot happen. Do they think I imagined this? Yes, it really happened. Now the State
Supreme Court has to figure out what to do about it.
As a small business owner and abused wife I have spent the last two and a half years going through the maze that is the Alaska court system. My experience and that of other women I have met lead me to believe that this is a man's state when it comes to divorce.
My "law and order" judge is from Ms. Palin's stompin grounds, the Mat Su Valley. With 15 years as Palmer district attorney and a career in the Judge Advocate General's office, one might expect his Honor to enforce his own court orders and not further victimize the victim. This, however, has not proven to be the case.
A divorce was granted at the request of my husband who was cheating. He wanted to to walk away fast and easy without dealing with the "business" of getting the divorce. Although Alaska state law requires a property settlement to be part of a divorce, I never got any property settlement-or much of the property.
Alaska Statue states that a judge MAY NOT grant a divorce with a property settlement reserved for another time unless both parties agree, or it can be proved that the property will be protected. Unfortunately I was not afforded the protections required by state law and due to this violation of due process, lost almost all the property in the business I started with my ex. I nearly lost the house as well, but because I dug in my heels and fought, the home was returned to me... after I was evicted.
i can't tell you how many times seemingly intelligent folks have told me this cannot happen. Do they think I imagined this? Yes, it really happened. Now the State
Supreme Court has to figure out what to do about it.
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